Relaxed Parenting

There comes a time when parents wonder what we have done right or wrong. The answer is, you will never really know for sure.

So many factors come into play when we parent. The person we are, the values we live by and the condition of our hearts and minds.

I look at a Singaporean couple who have similarly migrated to Toronto and whose three sons have done extremely well, two of whom made it to medical schools and the other one topped his cohort in his area of study. Many, like myself will envy them and ask ourselves, "What have they done right?"

Parenting is a high-risk venture. When we carry the child, the pregnant mom can only ensure what she eats benefits the child. A lot of the other factors are quite beyond her control. The child's looks, the child's temperaments, the child's tendencies are questions she will not have an answer to. Parenting is always on hindsight.

Personally, one of the greatest achievement that I have done will be to take my children out from a highly stressful environment to one which truly enriches them overall. Given the bigger physical space, cooler weather and less stressful school environment, they have a lot of opportunities to develop other interests. They love the outdoors now because here in Canada, despite having the sun, we experience relatively cooler weather all year round. There is so much space for camps, games and other forms of recreational activities.

I, as a parent too, is so much more relaxed. I now pursue my own interest without having to worry too much if they can make it academically. There are so many platforms for my children to explore and excel. Richness is being able to experience life multifacted. As a parent, you love to hear them discussing their experiences of the camping trip or the activities they help to organize in a youth group. When they do well and announce they have scored high 90's, I will definitely high-five them.

As immigrant children, my teenagers have learnt to think very hard before spend their money, so they do exercise a lot of constraints material-wise. Nonethless, mentally, socially and physically as a family or as invidual member, we are definitly faring better. When we, as parents do well mentally, socially and physically, our children do even better. So, as parents, if you think you are too caught up and not coping with the competitive races you are currently engaged in, your mood swings and your reactions do not only affect your own health but that of your children. As parents, think simply, if there is too much for you to handle, let go of some. Let us not be greedy. Many a time, you can't have the cake and eat it and eat it all the time. Some things have to go. That's why I firmly believe that we are travellers and traders on this earth. Travelling to pick up opportunities to enrich ourselves and others. Trading off things with less eternal significance for things that do really count.

Had I been crippled by the fear of the BIG move, nothing would have changed. At least for now, every setback in terms of hardship in the beginning, has turned out to be a Blessing In Disguise.

Please stay tuned for write-ups on the colleges that Channel Education (Journey2Canada LLP) represents in the following weeks.

Parenting Woes

Adam Lanza has shocked the world. Besides the public outcry for tougher gun control laws, many guesses have been made about the reasons behind his actions.  I heard that one newspaper even speculated that his mother aimed the gun at him in their home before the mass shooting took place, which led us to ask if Adam's mother had killed him or did he kill his mother? Then, there was a blogger who did a blog post (which went viral), claiming that she was Adam Lanza's mother as she has a son with a mental situation. Some are even guessing that Adam Lanza actually cleverly "planned" the shooting, so it was not his mental condition that drove him to commit the senseless act. One observation which struck me most was that he had "destroyed" his computer before the attack. 

However, I personally feel that Adam's senseless act could be attributed to two key reasons and these are only my guess. Firstly, his family condition of his parents' broken marriage and secondly, he could have been playing a violent game on the internet.

What I really want to deal with today is how the internet has infiltrated society and "engulfed" us. We get restless or rather, rest just can't find its place in us. We do find ourselves checking the internet on our smartphones all day, be it in a meeting, in the subway or even having a meal. This is no good. The effects the internet have on us are subtle and it often times, attacks our mind, i.e, we just can't be still. Every hour, every minute, every second, we are doing something, I mean, our mind is "busy", be it playing the electronic game, checking the latest news or replying a tweet.

This could very well be a fact in today's society - the internet is controlling us.

Let me have a show of hands now. How many parents are exasperated with your children's obsession in the electronic device, be it the computer, the laptop, the iPad or the smart phone? How many traditional parents wonder how your children ever study the way they do, by just looking at the computers, when you have been brought up the "pen and paper" way? How many parents have to scream at your children to have their dinner or put their socks in the washer when they are totally engrossed in the internet? Do you feel like you are "pulling" them or forcing them to "break free" from their constant addiction?

I want to make this observation in the capacity of  a professional writer on parenting issues - the electronic device and/or the internet has captivated the children, the teenagers and the young adults to such an extent that it fills their minds and their lives. This is not healthy and there must be intervention.

Intervention? Yes, definitely, but easier said than done. This is made worse by the fact that as parents, we too, are constantly, on our iphones, email, facebook, twitter etc. Breaking free from the seemingly harmless electronic device is a huge challenge. Without the internet, we end up feeling so restless, don't we? The attachment to the electronic device must be moderated.

I am not suggesting that we let go of technology nor am I saying that we give it up totally. However, if we do not want the smart phones, the electronic device or the internet to control our children's mindset, behaviour or lifestyle, then start a diet on the internet and electronic device today. Implement this diet when your children are still little, or as soon as you have a chance to.

For older children, you may not want to "force" it on them. You may suggest going for an outing together or having a meal together but strictly no checking on smart phones during these moments of "bonding". Make a deal with them.

Of course, let me highlight that it can be a uphill task, painful process. Imagine getting a drug addict to get off his habit? Well, I am not exaggerating but this is the task we have today.

Dear parents, remember, start the internet/electronic device diet early, start it while your children are still young and start it while you still can. Don't let the electronic device/internet manage you and your children, instead take control now.

All the best in your endeavours!

Please stay tuned for the story of an amazing student from Singapore on Christmas Day! Stay tuned!

Parenting Choices

Life in itself is about going through stages.

Let's just bear in mind that our children go through their own life stages as well. Although as parents, we often times wish that our children are precocious, such as to know more than what they should, to learn more than what they can and to be more than what they are,  it may not necessarily be good for them.

Actually, I feel that, as parents, we can be so prideful, so vain. Sometimes, we like to "show off" what our children can do and can be. Let us not feed our pride at the expense of our dearest possessions.

Some of you may think that I am old school, but personally, I feel that children should be allowed to develop at their pace. As parents, our primary responsibility is to identify and look out for their talents and interest. It will be wise to treat ourselves as facilitators of growth rather than parents who push our expectations down the throat of our children, whatever their age. Yet, having said that, it doesn't mean that we have to just let them be.

I have also previously mentioned in my personal blog that my biggest regret was to "force" my daughter to go for her piano grade 7 exam although she did not really have a passion for it. I wanted her to get her grade 7 just so that she could enter Raffles Girls' Secondary School, the top girl school in Singapore through a Direct School Admission exercise. In fact, we invested so much money in buying a U2 Yamaha Piano, yet in the end we had to give it away to a close relative. I came to the realization that I was basically "chasing the wind". Here's a reminder to all of us who call ourselves responsible parents, that if we choose to chase the wind, let's not do it at the expense of our own children. Do we realize that they are at our mercy, as they did not choose to be in this world but we are the ones who have decided to bring them here?

Making responsible choices is about truly understanding your children. It is about understanding them, it is not about you. Perhaps it is about time we ask ourselves if the pace we wish for  them to grow, is what is best for their wholesome development?

Recently, I made a comment in my tweet that I am an Asian Tiger Mum with a North American style. So, what am I trying to say? Am I a perfect mum? Not so. I am just saying that I will strike a balance. I will still be strict but  I will only watch them from the side. I will not indulge in them too much by over-providing but I'll certainly be there for them. 

Selling education is my profession. Yet, it is not about selling. It is about what my clients really need that will benefit them, that matters most to me. I want my client to remember me for helping them with their choices for their children. I in turn want them to know that it is also not about them when they decide to move their children to Canada. It is about what is good for their children.

Lastly, I want to say that in general, society highly respects doctors, lawyers and accountants as these are the occupations that most parents would have their children working towards. But allow me to end off by asking this thought-provoking question - would we rather have a son who is a firefighter who comes back to visit us and care for us when we are old or a son who is a lawyer whose wants outweighs his parents' basic needs? I am not suggesting that we have to depend on our sons. But what I'm asking is - in which situation is he better off?

Are you the Middle Child?

" I was the one who worried the most for the family. I contributed the most to the family. Yet, I am the least loved by my parents."

A lady, probably in her late 30's, whom I have not known for very long, shared this. It seemed that these words lingered constantly on her lips and so needing an audience. She went on to say that her mother, on her deathbed, finally expressed her appreciation towards her, a middle child.

Part of an educator's training would have included a portion on the impact of birth order on a child's personality. What today's education system seems to have neglected is to over-emphasize the importance of knowing the birth order of the child. More significantly, the educator needs to apply the knowledge of the child's birth order and deal and manage the child's behavior or performance in class, with much sensitivity. We certainly cannot adopt a one-size fits all approach.

The middle child is often times, the best or the worst child in the family. This is particularly so, when all three children are of the same sex or when the middle child follows the sex of the first child. She hopes that through her best efforts or her defiance, whichever the case may be, she gets the attention of her parents or wins for herself approval from people other than her own parents.

Talking about being parents. Often times, we excuse ourselves that we treat all our children in the same manner. "We love them alike." Ask yourself again. Probe deeply please. 

Often times, human tendencies lead us into sub-consciously putting more attention and love on one or another child more than the middle child. 

Personally, I feel that although it may not seem obvious to you and  as parents, you always have a way to explain away why you neglected that one question or few words uttered by the middle child, it meant the world to her. Although it may not seem significant to you, accumulating similar experiences of being neglected over an extended period of time, may deeply impact the development of your middle child. The result - an insecure middle child. 

Dear parents, do yourself a big favor. If you have the courage to have more than one child, you have the onus to ensure the wholesome development of your middle child into a self-assured and confident adult.

May I suggest this to you - The one child that you don't naturally love as much, it really helps if you could exaggerate every little effort of love for her. Trust me, your little effort will surely go a long way. Make an extra effort today!